Behind This Closed Door: Feminine
Behind This Closed Door: Feminine by Yas Necati
Behind This Closed Door is a series of two spoken word poems (Femme and Masc) by Yas Necati, exploring gender presentation.
Link to second video (Masculine): • Behind This Closed Door: Masculine
POEM:
To the softness,
I'm sorry I didn't write you back.
I promised myself I would never lose you to anyone else.
But I overcompensated
You see, after the time that other kid made my body crimson with my own fists, I didn't ever want to feel that way again. I folded in my corners. Became a tuck of my own chin. Hardened
I know that sometimes our inhales feel like an exhale and if we're losing that much oxygen, how are we supposed to let anything else in? That's what I told myself.
To the sweetness. I put you in a cake and ate it. I listened to my grandfather repeat over and over an apple a day keeps the doctor away. I found you in a woman who catches my panic attacks as raindrops before they whip up into hurricanes. I know you in her smile.
I've never been good at holding myself in the palm of my hands when I pray. Never been good at resting these limbs til they purr. I caught too many snowflakes on my tongue to know what it feels to taste anything I bake, or anything that anyone else offers me on a plate.
I know I have caused hurt that has made others shake, and I don't ever want to do that again.
To my forearms. I always liked you. When I broke the bones in my foot you carried me further than my mirror image could. It's not often I applaud parts of my body. I don't like the way it curves, as if it's purposefully leaning out to show me what, to others, will mark me as "woman".
People see me and they ask me what I am.
I am a girl who learned how to cut off her hair.
I am a boy who painted his nails pink.
I am an enby who knows that no fingers will ever be softer than my own when one day, I can hold my own face and see it.
This is a Homotopia Commission, supported by Arts Council England