How to Shotgun a Beer
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Hi How Are Ya
My name is maxnosleeves and today I’m going to show you how to shotgun a beer.
Shotgunning a beer is a great way to show off to girls, guys, the football team, the cheerleading team, your mothers, or anybody else you party with. It’s also great for team building activity and bonding.
Here’s what you’re gonna need: Beer, a knife, GUNS
Make sure it’s in a can and make sure it’s a light beer. Unless your name is chazz Michael michaels you can’t be smashing glass bottles open to drink. Also light beer is importand because shotgunning a ipa or a 4 loko is like drinking cement. Believe me, I speak from experience – St Pattys day, Boston, 2009
So we’re gonna make a small hole near the bottom of the can I know that’s every porn script starts but it applies here too. I like to give it a little tappy tap tap to get rid of any bubbles. Then I’m gonna make a small x with the knife. X marks the spot because this beer is as precious you as any pirates booty. The gold, not the crappy snack food
So we’re gonna twist the knife like Talia in Dark Knight Rises inceasing pressure just a little bit until we hear the tsssss. That means we hit the spot. I’m sorry that’s description sounded so overly sexual, but and by Sorry I mean elated.
Then you cut yourself a nicer hole in the can. Depending on the size of your mouth and the size of your courage you’re gonna want to make it about a nickel or quarter sized hole. You want to make sure no jagged metal is sticking out because you’ll cut your tongue off – shocker you don’t want to stick sharp metal in your mouth right?. You can even use your thumb but be careful about cutting your fnger off – nobody wants to party with a bleeder. Again, I know from past experience. Sudbury, MA, 2008. I cut my toe off at a party and played beer pong until I bled through my shoe. Wasn’t pretty.
Now when you got everybody together, give a quick toast and off you go
Here’s to those who like us and those you don’t; those who swallow and those who wont.
May we get what we want, but never what we deserve
Here’s to all the good things that start with the letter B: Boobs butts beards well that’s tree. Cheers boys.
Here’s to our livers for putting up with our schenanigans
Here’s to those who wish us well, and all the rest can go fuck themselves
Another Day, Another Bender – no retreat, no surrender
Here’s to the stories we haven’t told yet.
Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friend… wait no this is beer
A couple tips on the actual drinking: you’re actively sucking not just plugging a hole in a submarine. Jesus can I do any more porn references? Also you’re going to want to be aware of where the hole is on the can because if you forget wehre it is and you hold the can wrong, beer spills out the wrong end and you’re less popular than screech at a saved by the bell reunion. You’re less popular than a salad at a hamburger contest. Less popular than a vegan who does crossfit and plays a ukulele. You’re less popular than Detroit.
Also, while you’re drinking you want to make sure you swell up like a cobra. Stick that chest out and make sure to look around at all your friends so you know you’re not the last to finish.
Now the most important thing you gotta do is the afterburp. If you don’t release that angry beer, it’ll eat its way out of your stomach like an alien