We've Got Cult Benefits | Funny D&D Warlock Song
Meet the realm's most overworked warlock.
After signing an eldritch pact without reading the fine print, she accidentally became the President of Xal'Gorath's rapidly expanding cult. Now follow another chapter of her increasingly ridiculous career path as she navigates impossible quotas, mandatory meetings, cult policies, and the endless chaos of eldritch corporate life.
This time, she's been tasked with recruiting new members by convincing everyone that joining the cult comes with an unbeatable employee benefits package.
Her origin song if you want to hear how we got here.
• I have Quotas! | A cautionary Warlock Tale...
🎵 STREAM & LISTEN:
https://open.spotify.com/track/5O1pXS...
https://music.apple.com/us/album/weve...
📜 LYRICS & CONCEPT (Original human-authored lyrics and storyline):
Welcome in! Sit down, relax.
We've prepared a little guide.
Please ignore the chanting first...
That's just team-building outside.
Health plan? Well... it's complicated.
Dental? We don't really know.
But after your ascension,
You might eventually glow.
Free black robes!
Matching hoods!
Name tags after rank.
Fresh hot coffee every Wednesday...
Before we give Xal'Gorath thanks.
We've got cult benefits!
They're better than they sound!
A welcoming community...
That's mostly underground!
We've got cult benefits!
Retirement's a blast!
Your life belongs to Xal'Gorath...
Promotions come quite fast!
Quarterly performance rituals.
Attendance earns rewards.
For every recruit that stays...
Receive a ceremonial sword!
Employee of Monthly Metrics
Gets a plaque upon the wall.
And after fifty referrals...
You get your own eldritch hall.
Casual robes!
Flexible hours!
A taste of eldritch power!
Planar vacations!
Don't ask about your destination!
We've got cult benefits!
The package can't be beat!
Complimentary eldritch curses...
And donuts every week!
We've got cult benefits!
Promotions guaranteed!
Management positions...
Open up every week!
The handbook says,
"We're family."
Which honestly concerns me.
Mandatory fun every Friday night.
Mandatory chanting by candlelight.
Vision statements.
Mission goals.
Performance reviews for mortal souls.
We've got cult benefits!
Come join our growing team!
Ignore the ritual screaming...
It's perfectly routine!
We've got cult benefits!
Apply before it's late!
Orientation starts soon!
Every Wednesday at eight.
This message has been approved
By Xal'Gorath's President of Expansion.
"Together...we're shaping the future."
🛠️ PRODUCTION & COMMERCIAL LICENSING:
• Lyrics & Concept: Original human-authored lyrics and storyline.
• Audio & Visual Production: Music generation and visual art honed using AI tools under a fully paid, commercial-use tier subscription.
• Video Editing: Dynamic visualizer and synced typography text created specifically for this channel.
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