Changes in Relationships
Bridget Sumser and BJ Miller host a discussion on how relationships can change when illness enters the picture.We relate to ourselves, our place, our body, other people in our lives - almost everything is about relating and connection is some form. Illness changes us and we may have to change our expectations on how we interact and connect as well.
We discuss:
0:00 Introductions
2:39 Relationships are kind of the whole thing. Our relationship to ourselves, our bodies, our place, others around us
3:57 Along with relationship, is connection.
4:37 Serious illness amplifies all aspects of our relationships - it can become unfamiliar quickly. What relationships are still there? How do we connect to the familiarity where it’s still the same?
10:20 We don’t have to pay attention to the change, but maybe the experience is different when we pay attention or give it some love and not resist it
11:07 We relate, in order to be in connection. When things are changing, we need one-another. We may not know how to articulate it, but we need one-another. We may be aching for something familiar. Connections that served you in the past may not feel right, right now.
14:29 How our relationship to our body changes through illness, where can you find connection through that? Suffering can be a connecting force
17:30 We can feel isolated because we don’t want to reach out for connection, or connect to, or through, our sadness/despair/anger. These are ripe for connection because of their rawness
22:00 We’re black and white thinkers, we may think “connected” is a good feeling, and “disconnected” is a bad feeling. But it may be painful to be connected to something
24:12 there’s a side of this spectrum that doesn’t necessarily feel good - what is a burden? And what existence is burdensome?
28:30 “Burden” and interdependence- "I’m OK relying on you as much as you rely on me”
35:25 Difficulty of goodbyes, of transitions
36:32 Attendee comment - appreciation for sharing a feeling of discomfort
40:05 In many places of discomfort, our words may fail us, and that’s when we insert things we’ve heard often or is trying to be reassuring
44:20 How pain can interrupt our ability to be in relationship to anything. How can we be in connection to another person without using words?
49:15 What is our relationship to our-self? This might be where everything else stems from. Instead of “I’m going to go be alone”, it’s “I’m going to go be with myself”
52:35 The moments where things are hard, might be the biggest moment of intimacy
53:55 Attendee comments on the topic of relating