Are you Okay? The truth behind the mask | Why it’s not ok to not be ok.
How to answer this common question.
I’m ok is an automatic response given when someone asks us how you’re doing.
Some times were really okay and sometimes it covers up a deep seated issue clawing its way begging to come out. To ask for help and yet also ashamed of how others perceive us.
It is a common belief in Japanese culture that people have different "faces" or "personalities" that they present to different groups of people, such as family, friends, colleagues, and strangers. This concept is known as "tatemae" (建前) and "honne" (本音).
Tatemae refers to the public or social face that a person presents to others, while honne refers to their true feelings and desires. The idea is that a person may present a different tatemae depending on the context and the audience, in order to maintain social harmony and avoid conflict.
For example, a person may present a more formal and respectful tatemae to their boss or elders, while they may present a more relaxed and casual tatemae to their friends. However, their honne, or true feelings, may be different from what they present on the surface.
The Tatemae of being ok is common in today's world. Socially It's not ok to not be ok.
Now the real key is making the I’m ok a reality. And I wanted to genuinely feel like I really was ok.
I met my wife through business and my Tatemae was this ambitious happy young guy that knew what he was doing at the age of 20. My honne couldn’t have been farther from that.
This woman was amazing and when people asked her how she was doing she was really ok and if she wasn’t she would say it. She wasn’t concerned for how people would react because at the end of the day they wouldn’t affect her life.
I knew that I would have to match this so that we could be equally yolked.
I needed to become a thermostat not a thermometer. Control the temperature in the room rather than let the temperature of the room control me. No matter what happened I would continue to have joy.
You see there's a difference between happiness and joy.
Happiness is External depending on the circumstances while joy is internal independent of the circumstances. Happiness is an emotional response and Joy is an act of will. Getting what you want causes happiness while joy only comes from wanting what you have. Chasing happiness is tiring and temporary. Joy is always there eternally.
The root of being truly ok is Gratitude. Next time someone asks you are you ok pause and take a moment to reframe their question into Are you grateful.
Gratitude will lead to joy.
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