I'm In A 15 Year Affair With A Married Man... How Can I Get Out Of It?
Our live caller asks Dr. Joe Beam, “How do I leave a 15 year love affair? I need help!”
Dr. Joe Beam begins by asking her, “Why are you still married?” And, “What is the affair partner doing for you- what need is he fulfilling for you?”
In response, she explains her affair partner gives her a sense of adventure and feels like he gives her what she wants.
Dr. Joe Beam then asks this caller to consider, and compare, her “love” for both men. The three components of love are commitment (levels of commitment), intimacy (openness, transparency & vulnerability) and passion (craving for oneness).
Our caller explains that her affair goes what she believes in- the sanctity of marriage. She wants to stay with her husband, but it’s not what her “heart says.” Her emotional connection is stronger with her affair partner, but the affair still goes against her beliefs and values.
She explains that she recently had an epiphany to the destruction she was causing- not only to her marriage and family, but to her affair partner’s marriage and his family.
She says, “It’s awful. I don’t want to feel like this or be in this situation... People think having an affair means they’re having a great time- but it’s not! I hate making people miserable, but I’m being selfish and I can’t help it. How can I get out of it?”
Dr. Joe Beam explains that though it may FEEL like her heart won’t let her out of this affair, what we know is that emotions can be controlled. Even if she feels like she can’t stop or can’t control what she’s doing, there is a way out.
For example, when Dr. Joe Beam was an alcoholic, he would have told this caller the same thing she’s telling him, that he, “can’t control it” and “can’t stop it.” We bet she would have looked at him and said, “You CAN find the help you need to do this.”
Dr. Joe Beam gives some recommendations:
First, the only way to stop the affair is to STOP! It’s going to hurt, but you need to put your foot down- because of who you are, what you believe, and what is important to you. It cannot happen anymore.
She’ll go through a grief period after ending the affair, especially with a long- term emotional investment. *For any situation involving grief/loss, we endorse https://www.sparkoflife.org with their resources and retreats to help get past this.
Focus on reality- what’s really happening, who’s involved, and who is being hurt.
Last of all, make SURE to listen to the end of this video (at 12:03) as our live caller wants to share a word with those listening!
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