Andrea Gibson - The Day You Died Because You Wanted To
From the album 'HEY GALAXY' (2018) • http://tndr.lv/2wo11Hh
Lyrics:
In something like our mothers we grew. 'til red was again was the color of the water. And pain wasn’t something anything any of us would point to, because it was what was. And morning came not knowing if it would come again. And love was the only thing assumed. And “love should have been enough” someone without a heart might say.
The day you died because you wanted to, I tied my wisdom tooth to a doorknob and pulled it loose. Take everything I think I know. Every answer is a grave. Now the questions are rain I walk through now to find my way to god, and my only god is faith that there is comfort here, that who is hurting might hurt less than they did before. What else are all these coins and all these wells for if not to wish the grief asleep in the lap of someone’s else’s grief, ’til grief comes not knowing if it will come again.
Your sister thought the hearse was a limousine. Until she asked where it was going. And then she knew for sure. That’s what a word like heaven will do. But heaven wasn’t what you were aiming for. You didn’t think the other side was better. You thought the other side would be nothing at all. Imagine choosing nothing at all. Imagine something hurting that bad.
I didn’t still have the ring you’d given me. I'd crushed it with a rock to see how much you loved me. I love you to pieces too. It me hurts in my head now. How you knew the water wasn’t deep enough to dive into. But I won’t let anyone say it was a shallow thing you did. I knew it was your entire body finally pointing, saying, "Here, here is where the pain is."
I can crush a can with the heal of my shoe. I can drive by your mother’s house if I want to but I don’t want to. She was there when you bought the ring. She knew how long you’d been saving. Me-- I didn’t save anything. But you don’t lose a person like a set of keys. 'Cause you don’t find them again and you can still get to where you’re going. Resilience itself is an awful thing to grieve. Who with heart can stomach how much we can stomach. All your blood in the water and I could still wade through. And I will again. And I will again. And I will again with everyone I loose.
So what I want most is to live the rest of my life desperately wanting to live it. I want to give that to you. I want it to find you in the nothing at all. And I want to be something. When I say, I want to make something of my life. That’s what I mean.
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