[COVER] POISON - HAZBIN HOTEL
Happy Valentine's Day - love yourself first.
Description TW - SA, self harm, deep shit and imma rant
-----------------------------------------------------------
"Maybe if I can ruin myself enough in the process - if I end up broken - I won't be his favorite toy anymore. And maybe he'll let me go."
Ya'll I'm in a black hole of Hazbin content, but when I heard this song it triggered a lot of feelings that I had left behind after being sexually assaulted. I went to therapy and I've grown a lot since then, but it still hurts to think about, and I was honestly relieved to hear such true to experience lyrics to a song that could have been offensive and belittling.
I wanted to disappear and even after fighting to get out of my original town, I was still spiraling and I tried to end it all but it didn't work out. I had several considerations of attempts after that, but I began to feel like a failure who was so disgusting that no one would ever want to know me - and then my life was mostly a sabotage of my health afterwards - I was subconsciously trying to make myself so disgusting that no one would ever touch me again. I also ruined a lot of friendships between 2014 and 2020 because I wasn't seeking the right help, and I regret it all to this day, but I refuse to let that time in my life define who I am in this moment.
That was nearly ten years ago and I'm now at a point where I can talk about my experience to help raise awareness and now when I have students that are going through sexual assault I can call myself an advocate and I can help them in a way I was never helped.
It gets easier, and you can turn your life around even in the hardest of times with the right therapist and support system - it will be HARD and it will take a LONG TIME to heal. Even now I still have moments where being alone around some men is scary and anxiety inducing, but I am alive, happy, and I have so much to give and to live for today that I would never have had if I had succeeded all those years ago and the pain was hard but it was worth it to be able to be in my position as I am now with my students and coworkers - starting my PHD program in August. I would be doing none of this. This got very rant-y but I'm so happy to be here and even happier that I am able to give back now to people who helped me on my journey.
If you need to talk to someone, I'm here - but there are also so many resources that can help you through your next steps. I'm going to leave some numbers below for some of those resources in America -
Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233
Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-4673
Suicide Hotline 988
Stay safe and if you read to here I want you to know you are important, your feelings are valid, and sexual assault and rape are NEVER your fault.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CREDITS//
Song Name// Poison
Original Artist // Sam Haft and Andrew Underberg
Mixing + Video Arrangement: Aly
Instrumental Used // • POISON Instrumental (from "Hazbin Hotel")
Original Video // • Poison Full Song | Hazbin Hotel | Prime Video