"I'm being nice to you, so..."
Immature parents or toxic parents are often stuck in an early developmental phase due to their own childhood trauma.
In pre-school or pre-k, children can be heard saying, "I asked nicely" to another child or "Be nice to me." This is often a culture in such schools, and it is age-appropriate for teaching empathy and social skills.
Many childhood trauma survivors were raised by adults stuck in early developmental mindsets, where being nice is more about getting what you want or manipulation. Since the immature parent is modeling this trait in their parenting, siblings, and others, use it with each other.
What?!?! I'm being nice to you, so...
Underneath "being nice" are unresolved conflicts. We might see a parent be friendly with their spouse, with whom they have major unresolved marriage issues (or hate them) as a way to get something. In some ways, being nice is how things get done in such families, while there is an avoidance of resolving issues or a minimal ability to do healthy conflict.
For many survivors who have gone no contact, an immature parent is still avoiding significant issues about the conflict with their child and will "be nice" in the form of crossing boundaries, such as a passive-aggressive birthday or holiday card.
'Being nice' can be a source of intense triggers, confusion, and guilt. It's important to recognize that when an adult engages in this behavior without genuine intent to resolve relationship issues, it's often a form of manipulation designed to induce guilt and shame in others.
What do you think?
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