plr_jack - slJ
woohoo
Here we are again, the classic plr_jack new years special.
i am not happy. i havent been happy for a very long time. what a start to this description, straight to the point. i have been upset with myself for a very long time now, and to be honest, i dont even know why. recently, i have been sad about a few things. first being that i dont have a girlfriend. which is kind of a lame reason to be sad about. i have, for a long time, disregarded the need or desire to have/want a gf and i have been content with that. but only up until recently, i havent actually liked someone like this since like 5 years ago when i first got my "heart broken". for a long time i reasoned with myself for why i dont need a gf, but when i started liking this person, all that reasoning went out the window. and i wasnt like love struck or anything. the majority of my feeling was (/is cause i still feel this way) is the feeling of "dont do it". cause no matter what happens, im going to be in pain like last time again. i know that if i got into a relationship with the person, i wouldnt be able to maintain it and it will crumple and die and end up hurting the both of us. i know that if i pursue this crush, nothing good will come from it. but i want to keep liking her. because it gives me a motive in life. although directly, this motive is very skewed and unrealistic, it is a motive to continue living life, to keep going. i havent felt feelings like this since 5 years ago and it pains me because i know these feelings are just suppressed feelings finally coming out, while reality is still the same. its as if there are 2 jacks. one jack is madly in love and delusional, while the other jack has to keep him in check with reality. but sometimes it feels as if the reality jack can only watch as the love jack does its thing. because of this, i am feeling both the "heartbreak-of-someone-that-you-never-even-dated" feeling, and the im so in love feeling at the same time. which is very tiring and painful. youd think the 2 would cancel out but they only increase the pain of it all. maybe im bipolar or something idk, some multiple personalities type deal. i really like her but im just not where i wanna be at rn for a relationship, that is if she even likes me back. like if i cant be happy on my own, how can i be happy with her you know?
im going to uni next year. i do not want to go to uni next year. im scared, thats the basis of it. im scared of change, of adulthood, of the real world, of life. im scared of the future, because as much as i worry and ponder about it, i dont know what comes next. i was planning to do music for uni, and i failed the audition. do you know how embarrassing that is? to not even fail music in uni, but to fail the audition to get into music in uni. coming to the end of hs, i didnt even have any goals or aspirations or dreams or passions, other than music kinda. and i couldnt even do that. i changed courses to do property now as a cop out subject and i am not happy. i do not want to do property. but even me knowing this, i dont even care really. i wanted to take a gap year but thats illegal if u have asian parents. i also just want to not go to uni. but that would be a waste of my 13 years of schooling. but going to uni will be a waste of 3 years of schooling, and also tens of thousands of dollars and hours. i dont know what im going to do in the future and it scares me. as much as i follow my "whatever we'll see" mindset, it will not hold up in uni i know that for a fact.
I have a reoccurring daydream nightmare where i see my kid self, and hes just sad with disappointment. i wanted to be a scientist. i wanted to be an actor. i wanted to be a musician. all i want to do now is die. not really. i dont even want to die cause that means id be putting more of a burden onto those around me. im sorry little Jack. thats what the song name is. i wrote the lyrics as a sort of letter to my younger self. an apology.
Im sorry little jack
The times have changed so I can no longer be the scientist that you dreamed of being.
I have failed in fulfilling your wishes to be a musician too, a score of 49.
You’ll probably never have a girlfriend, sorry about that.
You dreamt of being rich and famous but the best I can do is a few hundred subs and followers.
The smile on your face is nothing but a distant memory.
Sadness envelopes our daily life.
No amount of sunshine and rainbows can cheer you up now.
not my best work but i wrote it with heart. or something idk.
but sadness aside. i have been putting more faith in God. i have been putting more effort into bible study and church ministry. ive been praying more, praying better. ive been trying to reconnect with my faith. been reading the bible more recently, stopped my swearing for the most part, quit prawn. i dont know how to put it in words but i truly want to put my life in Christ from now.
Happy new year, love you all
-plr_jack