nobody told me Disco Elysium Day 1 ends like that
episode 7 oh my god. I don't know how else it could've gone, it fits perfectly, but that doesn't mean I was any more prepared. i genuinely thought going to bed would take 20 minutes tops...
00:00 - 29:25 looking for a way forward or a place to sleep
29:25 - 44:59 Garbage investigation!
44:59 - 48:37 Copotype appearance (did I beef this?)
48:37 - 1:08:00 "Kim selling the spinners" smashes my heart into a million pieces. him and Harry BOTH wanna be swag cops at heart!!
1:09:58 - 1:27:34 Inspecting the garbage ledger
1:27:34 - 1:45:00 Debrief with Kim
1:48:10 - 2:06:36 I can't imagine what deciding to live is like... without first picturing all the reasons you don't deserve to. Picturing your death. And picturing all the reasons that you WILL anyway.
I rewatched this to put the timestamps and I don't like how... Casual? Unaffected? I come off. Just, bulldozing, not letting the feeling settle, not rolling in the emotions. 10 years of fighting suicidality make me NEED to see a way out, need the delusion of lightness, but the pure fact of it is: When you're in it, it seems inescapable. You, and your nature, and your flaws, seem unchangeable. Science says it's most likely some chemical imbalance in your brain, but what good is knowing that? It feels impossible to crawl your way out of the brain you're condemned to live in.
And that's reason #2 I don't work for a help hotline, right?
Because the answer I found after all that was completely arbitrary. I can't SAY to other people "decide to live." I'm living in a way that is completely arbitrary. Hanging on until it isn't. The best phrase I have to offer is "Ending yourself is a permanent solution to temporary problems. It is actually so arrogant of you to think it's impossible for you or your circumstances to change." And I think that's pretty damn strong, but it's nowhere close to the matching the despair a human heart is capable of.
There is a reason the ladders I offer to help Harry out of this hole seem made of fairy floss.