Divorce Coach - How to Handle My Angry Ex's Outbursts
Divorce Coach - How to Handle My Angry Ex's Outbursts
All about handling the emotional outbursts of your angry ex - ensuring you stay cool even if your ex is being completely unreasonable.
What we wanna talk about today is how to deal with an angry ex. Now, how many of you have a very angry and unreasonable ex? And you find that when they're shouting at you or having real conversations with you, you get completely sucked in.
Right, so firstly, stop, and breathe. There are definitely things that you can do to handle it much better. Rule number one is if you resist somebody at the moment and just get defensive or push against them or resist that they're getting angry with you, it'll just persist and, in fact, make the person angrier and angrier. So if your ex is having a big rant and you wanna run away immediately and not wanna deal with it, or get defensive, or put up your hands, you're actually making the person much angry and much more reactive at the moment.
Instead, stand your ground, stand strong, and stand calmly and not allow yourself to get buffeted around by whatever it is that your angry ex is saying. Allow it to just kind of wash over you. The outburst that this person is having is not personal to you. Most of the time when people are getting angry and they're throwing angry words out, it's actually something inside themselves that got reactivated, something from the past, or something from when they were very young, and they're just lashing out, and saying things. Most of the time I wouldn't be recommending paying much attention to what they say.
What really works for me is when somebody's throwing a lot of anger in my direction I stand tall, I stand grounded, put the little bubble around me, and I play some background elevator music in my head. I know it sounds a bit silly, but it really works. I stare at them intently so that they are clear that I'm listening to them, I'm taking seriously what they have to say, but I have background elevator music in the background that just basically helps me to tune out a little bit to take it personally.
And then when I've heard what they have to say and I realize it's not personal to me, I mirror it back to them. Okay, I understand you're angry about this. I understand that what you're saying is you're annoyed about that particular thing. I mirror it back so that I confirm that I've understood that. And then I stand my ground. I say, look, the thing is, I am unable to have a reasonable conversation with you right now in your emotional state. I recommend we park this for when you're feeling more calm and peaceful and we can have a calm, relaxed conversation. And then walk away, okay.
But they have to feel in the moment that you've heard them. You've understood what it is that they've said, but you're standing your ground, okay. If you immediately run away the minute they give you the anger, it's kind of powerless, because you're saying you cannot handle whatever it is that they are giving you.
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