How to Fix a Relationship
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How to Fix a Relationship
1. Think patterns, not people
When thinking about relationship problems it’s easy to think in terms of people, specifically who is right, who is wrong, who is screwed up, and who is really screwed up. This isn’t usually helpful and only leads to a blame game. Instead of people, thinking patterns. A does something, this triggers B, who in turn triggers A, then B. Some patterns are beneficial and help us stay sane and stable, others are a neutral habit, but some are deadly and capable of body damage.
2. Re-evaluate the reasons you’re together
Go back to the beginning. Ask yourself: What drew me to this person, to begin with? What qualities did they possess that I found valuable? What made them so amazing? And are they still? Reevaluating the reasons you came together reminds you of the reasons to stay together, and this strengthens your already-existing foundation. Ask your partner what they love and don’t love about you; be open to constructive criticism and self-improvement.
3. Stay in your lane
That means that when you talk, share information about yourself, the mistakes you've made, and how you would like to handle sensitive situations differently in the future. Do not cross the center line and talk about your partner, guess what he or she thinks or feels, or tell him or her what to do. Just like crossing the center lane on a highway, crossing from your lane to your partner's lane will cause accidents. Blame, criticism, and accusations are about your partner. Don't go there.
4. Show concern and compassion
Couples who have lost each other's trust and support, whether just recently or over a long period of time, may still show concern when either expresses authentic heartbreak. If they are not able to use soothing words or gestures, especially if being blamed at the moment, they show consideration for their partner's distress by their body language or facial expression.
5. Forgiveness
We’re all human, and all of us make mistakes, even the most perfect of people. If you want to know how to fix a relationship and have a successful one, both of you must learn to forgive each other. And most importantly, you must remember to never judge your partner.
6. Take responsibility
Your partner cannot meet all of your essential emotional needs. Nobody can. We are all responsible for our own well-being and our part in the well-being of our relationships. Be dead-honest with yourself when reflecting on your role in the ups and downs of your relationship.
One way of doing that is to imagine yourself in the shoes of people around you, the people who are involved with or affected by your relationship. Be totally faithful to the process and make sure you include people you don't like and those that don't like you.
7. Have A ‘High-Low’ Conversation
Having a high-low conversation will get you back on track. Take turns sharing something you love about your relationship and actually revel in the memory of the high. Then move to the ‘low’ something in your relationship that you’d like to improve. Take time to discuss and strategize ways you can address the issue.” The thing not to forget: once you’ve set a game plan for improving the lows you both have, talk about another ‘high’ in your relationship. It’s like the goal of a compliment sandwich at performance reviews: you always want to end on a positive.
8. Think effort, not outcome
There is that inspirational saying that you see in the hallways of businesses: Good decision come from experience and experience comes from making bad decisions. Mastering life and relationships is a long process of experimentation and elimination. Life isn’t Ready, Aim, Fire; it’s Ready, Fire, Aim. Try something – with mindfulness, clear intentions and a good heart -- see what happens, adjust and try again. That’s always the best you can do, and don't waste your time and energy with internal scolding or heavy-hearted regret. On any given day you're always doing the best you can.
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