Perf Cycle Blues
Twelve months of work. One document. One massive hallucination.
Perf Cycle Blues is the anthem for the corporate creative writing exercise we call a "self-review." It’s the art of rebranding "didn't quit" as "demonstrated peak resilience" and calling it growth.
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Lyrics🎶🎵
Perf cycle blues…
Can’t wait to self-review…
Open the doc, oh what a thrill,
Twelve months later, I exist still.
Goals I “owned” that moved mid-year,
Love that for me. Crystal clear.
Manager says, “Just advocate,”
Translate: inflate and decorate.
Turn “did my job” to “led the way,”
Rebrand survival as “I slay.”
Pick a verb,
Make it shine,
“Drove alignment,”
Sounds divine.
Stretch goals, vision, synergy
Copy, paste, authenticity.
Perf perf perf perf cycle,
Spin me like I’m so vital.
Perf perf perf perf cycle,
Watch me curate my own title.
Perf perf perf perf cycle,
Meets expectations, I’m thrilled.
P-p-p-perf, cycle blues,
Love the growth I haven’t built.
Half my work in threads that died,
Buried under “quick reply.”
I write essays, clean, precise,
He writes “LGTM.” Same advice.
He speaks once, we all align,
Calendar full? That’s a sign.
“Great visibility,” they say,
I was busy doing work all day.
Pick a word,
Make it loud,
“Cross-functional,”
Make them proud.
Stretch goals, vision, synergy
Performance art, but make it “me.”
Perf perf perf perf cycle,
Spin me like I’m so vital.
Perf perf perf perf cycle,
Same old praise on new recital.
Perf perf perf perf cycle,
Meets expectations, I’m fine.
P-p-p-perf, cycle blues,
Thriving on a dotted line.
You said I should “be seen more,”
So I’ll talk instead of doing the work.
You said I need “executive tone,”
I’ll say less, but say it slow.
And the one who got promoted? Of course.
Masterclass in saying nothing with force.
Coffee chats, strategic air,
Nods like wisdom’s floating there
Wrote the code, fixed the breaks,
Cleaned the mess that no one takes.
Shipped it fast, saved the date,
He said “Circling”, now he’s great.
Call it leadership, call it skill,
I call it saying less, but louder still.
Amazing.
Inspiring.
Perf perf perf perf cycle,
Spin me like I’m so vital.
Perf perf perf perf cycle,
Annual self-betrayal recital.
Perf perf perf perf cycle,
Meets expectations, I’m thrilled.
P-p-p-perf, cycle blues,
Look how well I’ve gently lied.
P-p-p-p-perf…
Perf cycle blues…
Five out of five…
Would do again.