How to Listen
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Been thinking a lot about listening the past couple of weeks.
I used to talk about listening a lot, back in the early days of my career, even wrote a whole book chapter about it, because I honestly do think it’s the most important – and most neglected – communication skill.
And for that reason, most of us are pretty bad at it.
So, do these things sound familiar?
1. You’re listening to someone and as you listen, you’re planning what you’re going to say in response.
2. Someone is listening to you, but they’re checking their phone, even interrupting you to respond to a text or take a call and then saying something like, “ok, where were we?
3. Someone introduces themself to you and you immediately forget their name. Yeah that’s quintessential bad listening, very common and people want all kinds of tricks with that. Just focus in and listen. That’s it.
So I want you to think for a minute about how you feel when someone actually listens to you. Think for example about seeing a doctor and whether you feel they listen to you. Would you recommend a doctor who wasn’t a good listener?
Feels good, right? Taken seriously. Your self esteem instantly rises. That’s exactly what happens for others when you listen. Relationships are allowed to get deeper.
In my work, I’ve quantified 3 types of listening:
• Hearing, but not listening: In the car driving, music is playing. OR some people like music in the background while they’re working.
• Casual listening: Tuning in and out, but the risk is low for us personally if we don’t listen well. Maybe info is being conveyed we already know or don’t need or the speaker is boring or taking up too much of our time.
• Intent listening: This is when we really need to zero in on what the other person is saying. It’s very important at every workplace and critical with clients. Here’s what makes it so important to do well: it requires empathy, the ability to put yourself in the others’ shoes, to feel what they may be feeling. Even if you don’t have an immediate solution. Sometimes all people need is to feel listened to.
I have spent my professional life teaching mostly about speaking, or sending messages. But I think, especially today, with everything that’s been going on, we have to get back to the critical skill of listening, or receiving information with empathy, sincerity, and suspending our natural tendency to judge as we listen.
I try to think about the benefits, especially how much I stand to learn.
Thanks for watching. And listening!