Schizophrenic Shark Tank
A video about Shark Tank pitches that are actually good
Kofi link: https://ko-fi.com/stoicstick
Schizophrenic Shark Tank Transcript:
Everyone has seen an episode of shark tank atleast once in their life, and if you haven’t well…. Its not really that big of a deal I guess, but for those who have seen it you know that the basic premise is that normal business people pitch their usually lame idea to 4 investors and they try to get funding or a business partner to help expand their business. Now that got me thinking, what if instead we had insane people pitching insane ideas, that’s where this video comes in, here are some of my schizophrenic shark tank pitches.Starting off with The Pacemaker EMP, now just hear me out okay, you hear the word EMP and you start to think oh wow that’s probably extremely illegal, well, it is, but we sell these in back alleys so you know laws are suggestions and whatnot. The Pacemaker EMP works by emitting EMP signals that are specifically designed to target pacemaker devices and similar implants. Now obviously this would disrupt their function and may cause serious harm which you might again ask “isn’t that illegal?” my sweet summer child, we sell these under the therapeutics label and with some studies that I helped fund we found that there is a non zero chance that temporary pacemaker disruption is good for cardiovascular health. Now could you use this therapeutics device to technically remotely do away with like 90% of politicians with a single button press from a safe distance that is traceless and relatively cheap, maybe , but maybe you wont and that’s a gamble that we here at PEMP would like to take. It costs us around $28 to create the basic model and we sell them for $30 which you might think are some thin margins but we believe that the PEMP is a device that should be in every home and that every person should own one for…. therapeutic purposes. We have an active lobbying campaign going on at the minute to sneak through legislation that would allow us to sell these legally over the counter, and lets just say, some of our arguments are especially convincing hehehehe. We are looking for an investment of $5 million for 5% of the company and we will use the funds to accelerate production and lobbying efforts. The second schizophrenic shark pitch I have is actually an app. Tired of grandma losing her life savings every few months to call centre scammers? Do you wish there was a way for you to get revenge? Well luckily for you with the reverse scam call app or RISC, we allow users to be able to call and connect with the private numbers of call centre employees. There are many ways that you can carry out a reverse scam and we have guides in the app that can coach you on scripts and techniques that will make you more successful, but the primary reverse scam method is the Visa application scam. This is where you will call pretending to be the from the department of labour and that you are happy to inform them that their visa application is being progressed. You then tell them you need a few more details from them and that they will need to pay a administration fee so that their visa can be approved, then you can either take real banking payments or if you would rather not exchange banking information you can tell them that you are willing to accept google play gift cards seeing as how that is supposedly a valid form of payment. The app collects all this personal info to enable this reverse scam by working with moles within the scam agencies, these moles then plant keyloggers and crypto miners in the data centres of these call centres. This has a two pronged effect, by one allowing us to see whatever they are doing as well as sowing distrust within the centre as really it could have been any of them who could be the mole. RISC is currently owned by a non-profit that donates all the profits made from user subscriptions and cryptocurrency sales to victims of financial scams. Currently we are doing fundraising events so for more information go to. The third schizophrenic shark pitch is based on an idea, the ivory trade is a horrible and evil business that kills tens of thousands of elephants every year in order to harvest their tusks. To combat this researchers have created fake ivory and flooded the market in order to confuse buyers and dump the price of ivory in order to make it financially infeasible. Every year thousands of people with their friends create podcasts and buy podcast equipment. Usually these podcasts are awful and extremely unfunny, and I cant help but be bombarded by the most braindead takes every time I scroll social media, so whats the solution? We flood the podcasting equipment market with microphones that explode. Okay hear me out. The microphones will only explode once they hear certain phrases such as “body count” “alpha male” or “buy my online course”.