Do I Give a Hug or Handshake?
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Do I give a hug or handshake to men I meet professionally?
Like most women, I have had to put up with too many men who felt it was ok to invade my personal space and put their hands on me or whisper sweet nothings in my ear uninvited.
So with the seemingly unending revelations about sexual harassers, I thought it would be a good idea to explore what happens when men and women greet each other in a professional setting.
There is a lot to say about this and I won't get it all into this newsletter or video. I also don't have much in the way of answers, but the times call for some deep thinking about what happens when men and women greet each other, what gets communicated when they give Hugs or Handshakes, and whether that's what we intended.
For simplicity's sake -- and to keep myself from going off the rails – I'm breaking it down into three distinct situations.
1. Greeting someone new
In this situation, professionals (in the US at least), will generally shake hands. Still, there is a right and wrong way to show professional respect via a handshake. Too often, a man takes a woman's hand in what I call the "dainty," which clasps only the fingers. This is instead of the full-fledged handshake men typically give each other. That's the one where the webs between the thumb and forefinger meet, a level of firmness is achieved and one or two shakes happen as the partners make eye contact and say their niceties. This communicates mutual respect and a level of professionalism. By the way, rarely women do it to each other and to men. That communicates weakness and daintiness that does not bode well for women who wish to be taken seriously. So my advice to men is, shake a woman's hand the way you shake a man's and to women, do not act daintily or you will be perceived as such and suffer for it.
2: Greeting someone you've have affection for and are reuniting after some time has passed
Men who feel affection toward other men almost always shake hands when re-uniting. They may do some backslapping and other touching. But, in a similar situation with a woman, they almost always hug and kiss them. And women hug and kiss them back. Frequently women initiate it. This seems ok to me, probably because it's always been this way, but I have come to believe it is risky for women and the perceptions it engenders, even if unintentional or unconscious. This is one of those areas where I don't have good answers to questions around how close the friendship has to be, etc. So, in a professional setting, I'd like to see this change to the way men greet each other. I'm telling myself this as much as I'm telling you. We know if you've done something one way for a long time and suddenly change, it can create friction. I feel uncomfortable even thinking of how I'm going to do it going forward, but I'm going to try to keep professional greetings professional and I'll be interested to know what your experiences are if you decide to make a change or if you never did it to begin with. It's complicated.
3. Greeting someone you've met a few times and have no real affection (or disaffection) for
This is the most difficult one because it may result in some weirdness that, frankly, no one needs. It's so much easier to acquiesce to a surprise or unwelcome hug and kiss. But doing so is also the most risky for women because impressions count. When people greet each other, they're sizing each other up. If a woman allows herself to be hugged and kissed, even though it's a cheek kiss, and sometimes even while shaking hands, it sends a signal that perhaps she's open to more gestures that would be more audacious and more unwelcome. Again, I'm telling myself this as much as opening a discussion with you. So, what to do? In such cases, I've found that putting my hand out first will often nip it in the bud. Witty conversation and high-quality small talk will mitigate any awkwardness. Sometimes, however, a man will pull that hand he is shaking and force other contact. Here is where I don't have good answers. Recoiling in the moment may put the woman at further disadvantage professionally and, of course, it depends on who it is doing the pulling - a boss? A client? Two people you most certainly wouldn't want to of offend. So here is where I get stumped. Certain people will respond to a good, private chat, where you explain how this undermines your professional stature (bad for the company and bottom line). Others will be offended and seek to deep-six you. In which case, if you can, you probably should find other employment.